Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and depart from evil. (Proverbs 3:5-7 NKJV)
I found this verse to be oh so true for my struggle right now. May it speak to you as it did to me.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Doing better!
I think I have resolved my internal struggle. I am feeling good about my decision and look forward to the road ahead of me. It will be a slow and steady wins the race type of process but I am up to the challenge I think. Plus I decided that no matter what I chose, I wasn't going to succeed until i got to walking with Jesus Christ rather than just calling on him when I needed something. SO I am trying to focus more on my walk with him and learning to listen and not fight against him. I'm trying to let my guard down and put 100% faith in him and I know once I accomplish that then the other small things will fall in place.
I am so grateful for Brad's Granny who helped me to know what I needed to decide. So to fill you in, I have been down about my weight alot lately and told Brad that I wanted to go back on the hcg diet when we could afford it. So he talked to Granny and Papa and borrowed money so that i could. But I was sick to my stomach as soon as I found out. Something about actually going back on the diet scared me and was making me sick to my stomach. I couldn't shake it and was having a really hard time with it. Brad was pushing me to do it because he thought that is what I really wanted. The more he pushed the more confused and frustrated I got and the more sick to my stomach. Finally last night I called Granny and talked to her (and cried alot) about how I was feeling and how I wasn't sure what i wanted to do and how confused i was feeling. After her and I talked for awhile, her and I decided that God was obviously trying to tell me not to go on the diet by making me so sick over it and since I have only been on my new meds for a short while and haven't even given them the chance to work that I needed to be smart with my health and so I decided to not do the hcg diet again.
Instead am looking into a group through a local church called TOPS. It's a support system and they do classes to teach you how to lose the weight sensibly and how to make food exchanges and control portions. Plus I am going to look into the open door program at the YMCA where I would have to volunteer 2 hours a month and get the use of the facility. After telling Brad my plan we decided to look into the family program so that we could all go down and go swimming or workout or do whatever but it would allow us all to do something together occasionally. I am so relieved and feeling great about my choice. It won't be as quick of a loss as with the hcg but i feel it will be a healthier loss. But I know that until I get right with God that nothing I try will work. So that is my first focus.
I am so blessed with the husband I have though. He is by my side 100% no matter what I choose and he is so willing to help me with every step. I pray that i am even half the wife to him that he is a husband to me. I feel so blessed to get to share my life with him and so honored that God placed him in my life at the right time. Brad and I have been through so much early in our relationship and he has been by my side since the night he asked me to be his girlfriend 13 years ago (Saturday is our dating anniv). I pray that everyone is as blessed as i am when it comes to family.
Thank you to all who said prayers for me and kept me in your thoughts. I am OK and am happy and healthy. Thanks be to God for all he has given us and all that he is trying to teach us.
I am so grateful for Brad's Granny who helped me to know what I needed to decide. So to fill you in, I have been down about my weight alot lately and told Brad that I wanted to go back on the hcg diet when we could afford it. So he talked to Granny and Papa and borrowed money so that i could. But I was sick to my stomach as soon as I found out. Something about actually going back on the diet scared me and was making me sick to my stomach. I couldn't shake it and was having a really hard time with it. Brad was pushing me to do it because he thought that is what I really wanted. The more he pushed the more confused and frustrated I got and the more sick to my stomach. Finally last night I called Granny and talked to her (and cried alot) about how I was feeling and how I wasn't sure what i wanted to do and how confused i was feeling. After her and I talked for awhile, her and I decided that God was obviously trying to tell me not to go on the diet by making me so sick over it and since I have only been on my new meds for a short while and haven't even given them the chance to work that I needed to be smart with my health and so I decided to not do the hcg diet again.
Instead am looking into a group through a local church called TOPS. It's a support system and they do classes to teach you how to lose the weight sensibly and how to make food exchanges and control portions. Plus I am going to look into the open door program at the YMCA where I would have to volunteer 2 hours a month and get the use of the facility. After telling Brad my plan we decided to look into the family program so that we could all go down and go swimming or workout or do whatever but it would allow us all to do something together occasionally. I am so relieved and feeling great about my choice. It won't be as quick of a loss as with the hcg but i feel it will be a healthier loss. But I know that until I get right with God that nothing I try will work. So that is my first focus.
I am so blessed with the husband I have though. He is by my side 100% no matter what I choose and he is so willing to help me with every step. I pray that i am even half the wife to him that he is a husband to me. I feel so blessed to get to share my life with him and so honored that God placed him in my life at the right time. Brad and I have been through so much early in our relationship and he has been by my side since the night he asked me to be his girlfriend 13 years ago (Saturday is our dating anniv). I pray that everyone is as blessed as i am when it comes to family.
Thank you to all who said prayers for me and kept me in your thoughts. I am OK and am happy and healthy. Thanks be to God for all he has given us and all that he is trying to teach us.
Monday, December 07, 2009
Prayer Request
I am having a very hard internal battle. I don't want to go into details. (I know i hate when people do that but I just have to...sorry!) Please pray that God will help lead me in the right direction. I am so torn as to what to do and I actually found myself on my knees in prayer tonight almost yelling I was talking to him so loud.
I know that i can do nothing without the help of Jesus Christ but why is it so hard to put 100% faith in the signs he gives me? Why do I doubt everything? Why do I rebel and pull away so hard and yet long to be so close? What do i have to do to let down my guard and take his hand and truly walk with him? I know one answer is get back to going to church and i am trying. So please pray that I can get my head and my heart cleared and on the right track and that my internal struggle be resolved so that I can get on to a healthier life. I am so thankful for all of you who I know will read this and say a quick prayer in your head for me. I love you guys!!!!!
I know that i can do nothing without the help of Jesus Christ but why is it so hard to put 100% faith in the signs he gives me? Why do I doubt everything? Why do I rebel and pull away so hard and yet long to be so close? What do i have to do to let down my guard and take his hand and truly walk with him? I know one answer is get back to going to church and i am trying. So please pray that I can get my head and my heart cleared and on the right track and that my internal struggle be resolved so that I can get on to a healthier life. I am so thankful for all of you who I know will read this and say a quick prayer in your head for me. I love you guys!!!!!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Little things
I went to church today and I am really glad i did. There was no sermon, heck the pastor wasn't even there but it was exactly what I needed. The service was a mix of singing and presentations from 3 local organizations, Solomon's Porch, Serve Wenatchee Valley, and Young Life. And throughout the speeches i found myself tearing up. I have been really down lately because we aren't sure we are going to be able to buy much for our kids for Christmas and we don't have a lot of food and there are things i want but can't afford (like to color my hair before the gray hairs take over...lol). But i realized that all of my worries (minus the food thing....food's kinda important...lol but we have some food which is more than some people have) were over little things. We have a home, a vehicle, our health, clothes, toiletries, running water, heat, income (even though it's unemployment, it's still income) and we have a family. There are people who have none of that. There are people who don't even know where they are going to sleep tonight and some who are sleeping on cold benches with no blankets to stay warm.
It opened my eyes today that i take so much for granted and worry about so many little things that I don't cherish the big things. Like what i do have, especially my family. So a huge thank you first to God for getting me to church this morning so my eyes could be opened and another thank you to Denaye for helping me to push myself to pray and ask God's help to get there. I am so thankful and blessed to have friends to help me out of my slump. (I'm really looking forward to a play date!)
So if you are like me and feeling down about something not going right in your life, take a moment and think about every BIG thing you have (family, health, home, etc.) and realize that you are probably feeling down about a little thing. Take a moment and thank God for the BIG things in your life, I know i did today!
On a side note, please pray that God help my friend Amanda. She just found out this week that she is pregnant with twins but a blood sack threatens the life of one of them. She is on strict bed rest which is going to be very financially hard on their family if she has to stay on bed rest. So please pray that the babies continue to survive and grow and that if she does need to stay on bed rest, that God provide financial provisions for them and help them through this stressful time.
Heavenly father i pray to you that my friends and family be surrounded by BIG things and that we all realize that there are people out there who have so much less than us. I pray that you help me to find a way to help those less fortunate than myself. I pray that you take care of Amanda and keep her safe and healthy and the babies are healthy, and that if she needs to stay on bed rest that you provide financial provisions for her family. You have been so generous with your provisions and we are so thankful. We are blessed with so much. I am so thankful that you would help me to get to church today so that my eyes could be opened. So many things in life get us down and yet you are there to remind us that you are here and that you are taking care of each and every one of us. Please forgive me for falling away from you and continue to work with me as i am an ever changing work in progress. I know i struggle with listening but i am trying and know that with your love and guidance i will continue to learn and strengthen my walk with you. Thank you for being you and for loving me and creating me to love you. In Jesus name Amen.
It opened my eyes today that i take so much for granted and worry about so many little things that I don't cherish the big things. Like what i do have, especially my family. So a huge thank you first to God for getting me to church this morning so my eyes could be opened and another thank you to Denaye for helping me to push myself to pray and ask God's help to get there. I am so thankful and blessed to have friends to help me out of my slump. (I'm really looking forward to a play date!)
So if you are like me and feeling down about something not going right in your life, take a moment and think about every BIG thing you have (family, health, home, etc.) and realize that you are probably feeling down about a little thing. Take a moment and thank God for the BIG things in your life, I know i did today!
On a side note, please pray that God help my friend Amanda. She just found out this week that she is pregnant with twins but a blood sack threatens the life of one of them. She is on strict bed rest which is going to be very financially hard on their family if she has to stay on bed rest. So please pray that the babies continue to survive and grow and that if she does need to stay on bed rest, that God provide financial provisions for them and help them through this stressful time.
Heavenly father i pray to you that my friends and family be surrounded by BIG things and that we all realize that there are people out there who have so much less than us. I pray that you help me to find a way to help those less fortunate than myself. I pray that you take care of Amanda and keep her safe and healthy and the babies are healthy, and that if she needs to stay on bed rest that you provide financial provisions for her family. You have been so generous with your provisions and we are so thankful. We are blessed with so much. I am so thankful that you would help me to get to church today so that my eyes could be opened. So many things in life get us down and yet you are there to remind us that you are here and that you are taking care of each and every one of us. Please forgive me for falling away from you and continue to work with me as i am an ever changing work in progress. I know i struggle with listening but i am trying and know that with your love and guidance i will continue to learn and strengthen my walk with you. Thank you for being you and for loving me and creating me to love you. In Jesus name Amen.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
From a kids mouth....
So i was in the Car with Cameron headed to Walmart to pick up my prescription and we drove by the cemetery and he was asking what the big white buildings were so i told him they were mausoleums where more than one body from the same family was buried.
The conversation went on like this:
Cameron: "so they all get to be in heaven together?"
Me: "well yeah i guess."
Cameron: "when i get to heaven i will get to see what God looks like."
He then paused to think for a few minutes.
Cameron: " I think God looks a lot like daddy."
So cute how he decided that. Made me smile and get teary to listen to him talk about God with a heart full of love for him. A few minutes later he is talking to himself and I hear him say;
"they (the angels) must have 46 foot fishing poles so they can pull us up there."
Oh too cute....I love how children think. Just thought i would share this since my other post is nowhere near heartwarming.
The conversation went on like this:
Cameron: "so they all get to be in heaven together?"
Me: "well yeah i guess."
Cameron: "when i get to heaven i will get to see what God looks like."
He then paused to think for a few minutes.
Cameron: " I think God looks a lot like daddy."
So cute how he decided that. Made me smile and get teary to listen to him talk about God with a heart full of love for him. A few minutes later he is talking to himself and I hear him say;
"they (the angels) must have 46 foot fishing poles so they can pull us up there."
Oh too cute....I love how children think. Just thought i would share this since my other post is nowhere near heartwarming.
Prayer Request
OK so i know i don't blog much but i read everybody's at least once or twice a week. I love hearing what is going on with my friends and their families.
I need prayers though for a several things:
1: I found out on Tuesday that i have hypothyroidism and started a thyroid med on Wednesday. Please pray that it works well for me and that i start to feel better soon without side effects.
2: I just got a call today from our cable company with a threat to cancel service because i was 2 months behind....I swear i made the payment and even marked it as paid on my bill spreadsheet but I have no record of a payment and neither do they so alas I have to pay it still. So i paid last month's bill today and will pay Nov.'s bill out of the money I get for watching baby Johnny. Problem is due to the computer crash we are already dipping into that money to make ends meet so i am not sure we will have any left over for Christmas presents plus we have to make our van payment late again since Johnny's money doesn't come in till the 2ND or 3rd and rent is due on the 1st and we have to pay that on time so the van gets paid late. So if you have any money laying around that your not using...i would be happy to take it off your hands....LOL!
3: I am having a really hard time lately with money(or lack there of actually). If we could get a head a bit and get stocked up on food and gas then we could be fine but we got behind due to some new bills when we moved and we just haven't got caught up again so we are always using bill money for household stuff and having to push bills off so we are always a week behind. Food is getting pretty scarce in our house and it makes me sick. We need help and have nowhere to turn. I am stressing so bad about how we are going to make it once i stop watching Johnny. As of Dec. 21st he can go to the daycare where his brother goes so i will get one last paycheck in January and then no more. Plus in June I have to start paying on my loans again and i know i am jumping way into the future but i have to keep it in my head so i remember to start planning for it. So please pray that God continue to give us financial provisions and help us to learn to spend way less and save on what we do spend so we can get more for our money. Which leads me to my next stress.
4: Brad is still laid off. The hospital job was supposed to start in October but was running behind so we thought November and then this month when Brad called the union rep he said they still weren't calling out guys and then at the end of the conversation he told brad to have a good holiday season as if there won't be any work till after the first of the year. We really can't afford for Brad to work anywhere else. He would have to find a job that pays a minimum of $18.50/hr with really good benefits. And that wouldn't put us ahead at all that would just keep things the way they are now. And he is very adamant that he does not want me going back to work until Ethan is in school because the cost of daycare would make my take home next to nothing which is why i quit working in the first place. The union (when he is working) pays so good and their benefits are awesome and that is the only way we are going to get ahead and actually save money. So please pray for Brad to get back to work with the Union REALLY soon.
5: And last prayer request......We just found out yesterday that Brad's insurance has expired. We are very grateful that it lasted as long as it did but with my new diagnosis and having to have blood work periodically, I am worried about getting our clinic bill too high and having them increase our bill. So please pray that Brad and I stay as healthy as possible and that he again gets back to work soon so that the insurance can start up again. The boys are covered by Molina so i am not too worried about them but Brad and I are not so we really need his insurance.
OK so I think that is the last of my vents. I feel as though i am sinking in a sea of stress and have been having some serious anxiety moments and need all the prayers i can get. So please pray that i am able to emotionally get through this as I can't afford to go back on my antidepressants and seriously worry about a mental breakdown happening. Please pray that Brad gets back to work soon so we can get caught up on bills and food. Please pray that God continues to provide financial provisions so that we don't get further behind. And please pray for my health as well as Brads. Please pray that everything with my thyroid condition improves with this medication and that i don't have side effects from the medication.
P.S. For those of you who are really good at getting lots of food for next to nothing....(you know who you are ;-) Please I would love to know how to do it and how to get started.
I need prayers though for a several things:
1: I found out on Tuesday that i have hypothyroidism and started a thyroid med on Wednesday. Please pray that it works well for me and that i start to feel better soon without side effects.
2: I just got a call today from our cable company with a threat to cancel service because i was 2 months behind....I swear i made the payment and even marked it as paid on my bill spreadsheet but I have no record of a payment and neither do they so alas I have to pay it still. So i paid last month's bill today and will pay Nov.'s bill out of the money I get for watching baby Johnny. Problem is due to the computer crash we are already dipping into that money to make ends meet so i am not sure we will have any left over for Christmas presents plus we have to make our van payment late again since Johnny's money doesn't come in till the 2ND or 3rd and rent is due on the 1st and we have to pay that on time so the van gets paid late. So if you have any money laying around that your not using...i would be happy to take it off your hands....LOL!
3: I am having a really hard time lately with money(or lack there of actually). If we could get a head a bit and get stocked up on food and gas then we could be fine but we got behind due to some new bills when we moved and we just haven't got caught up again so we are always using bill money for household stuff and having to push bills off so we are always a week behind. Food is getting pretty scarce in our house and it makes me sick. We need help and have nowhere to turn. I am stressing so bad about how we are going to make it once i stop watching Johnny. As of Dec. 21st he can go to the daycare where his brother goes so i will get one last paycheck in January and then no more. Plus in June I have to start paying on my loans again and i know i am jumping way into the future but i have to keep it in my head so i remember to start planning for it. So please pray that God continue to give us financial provisions and help us to learn to spend way less and save on what we do spend so we can get more for our money. Which leads me to my next stress.
4: Brad is still laid off. The hospital job was supposed to start in October but was running behind so we thought November and then this month when Brad called the union rep he said they still weren't calling out guys and then at the end of the conversation he told brad to have a good holiday season as if there won't be any work till after the first of the year. We really can't afford for Brad to work anywhere else. He would have to find a job that pays a minimum of $18.50/hr with really good benefits. And that wouldn't put us ahead at all that would just keep things the way they are now. And he is very adamant that he does not want me going back to work until Ethan is in school because the cost of daycare would make my take home next to nothing which is why i quit working in the first place. The union (when he is working) pays so good and their benefits are awesome and that is the only way we are going to get ahead and actually save money. So please pray for Brad to get back to work with the Union REALLY soon.
5: And last prayer request......We just found out yesterday that Brad's insurance has expired. We are very grateful that it lasted as long as it did but with my new diagnosis and having to have blood work periodically, I am worried about getting our clinic bill too high and having them increase our bill. So please pray that Brad and I stay as healthy as possible and that he again gets back to work soon so that the insurance can start up again. The boys are covered by Molina so i am not too worried about them but Brad and I are not so we really need his insurance.
OK so I think that is the last of my vents. I feel as though i am sinking in a sea of stress and have been having some serious anxiety moments and need all the prayers i can get. So please pray that i am able to emotionally get through this as I can't afford to go back on my antidepressants and seriously worry about a mental breakdown happening. Please pray that Brad gets back to work soon so we can get caught up on bills and food. Please pray that God continues to provide financial provisions so that we don't get further behind. And please pray for my health as well as Brads. Please pray that everything with my thyroid condition improves with this medication and that i don't have side effects from the medication.
P.S. For those of you who are really good at getting lots of food for next to nothing....(you know who you are ;-) Please I would love to know how to do it and how to get started.
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